I wanted to talk a little about this. In my opinion I believe the main reason this happens is because some people shouldn’t be together in the first place. People get together and marry for many reasons. How a couple get together is also very important (adultery, the hookup, online dating, etc..etc). Some reasons people marry are: They’re pressured into it or feel obligated, they allow their hearts to lead them wrong by going solely on the emotions they’re feeling, they allow good sex to cause them to lose focus (they’re sold on it), they allow other people such as family and friends to persuade them it’s time, they allow pregnancy to force them into it, they allow their biological clocks to drive them to do it, they allow circumstances such as deploying overseas to push them to hurry and marry, some people go off of how a person look and what they have to offer to drive them to marriage. I can go on and on. Bottom line is often times it won’t last. If people marry for any reason other than loving and being in love with one another they will have a hard time making it work.
A solid foundation is absolutely key for any healthy and lasting relationship. The problem is most couples don’t have this when they marry nor do they know how to communicate to get one. I believe the foundation surrounds God, communication, and being in love. However some people don’t believe in God, so they have to go on communication, love, and being in love. There has to be a solid foundation. Sex, money, family, friends, a child, status, good looks, etc, etc. None of it will keep a marriage together if the couple aren’t in love and able to effectively communicate.
Communication helps love to flourish and grow. Communication is a major key. If a couple don’t communicate their relationship is bound to fail sooner or later. Many couples live together, but aren’t in love.They’re doing their own individual things and living under the same roofs like roommates. They’re separated in the home and oth are unhappy, sad, and lonely. What type of relationship is this? It’s not one! Nothing is more miserable. Many stay together for financial reasons (cheaper to keep her or keep him). Regardless of the scenario if a couple aren’t in love it will be hard to keep it together.
Starting a relationship and building the foundation should involve getting to know one another. Unfortunately too many get married when they hardly know one another. It baffles me when I see couples together yet know nothing about one another or about the other’s family. People, this is a RED FLAG! You should always get to know a family member or someone who really knows the person you’re involved with. A person can tell you anything to get you. Don’t fall for this, get to know someone this person is related to, I don’t care if they have no siblings or if they’re adopted. Get to know someone in your significant others life, BEFORE you talk about marriage.
Get to know the individual. What I mean here is get to know who you’re with. Some things you should get to know are things such as:
Their likes, dislikes. The best way you will do this is through communication. It matters to your significant other to know you know their likes and dislikes. Nothing is more inconsiderate then to give someone something they don’t like or do things they don’t like.
Views on their faith and everything that goes along with it. It’s important to know if your beliefs are similar. They may believe something different than you or they may worship somewhere you’re not willing to. This is something that needs to be addressed. If it’s an issue before marriage, it will be one after marriage.
Know their financial status. Will they be able to contribute financially or not. Are they indebt to others and if so is it by a large amount. In knowing this, it’s good to know their credit history as well. After marrying you may want to make a major purchase together, however this can’t happen if one has really bad credit.
Do they have kids and if they don’t do they want any? It’s also important to know about their relationship with their child’s parent. Do they allow the other parent to rule their current relationships? Many women get pregnant to trap men. This is a terrible thing and it doesn’t keep relationships together. What type of parenting style will you have if you have children together? It’s very important to know these things, because these things has ended marriages.
Important to know if they have about their health (mental and physical). You need to know if you’re getting with someone who has something you don’t want to catch or it’s someone you have to dedicate a lot of time and attention to, because they had something you didn’t know about. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of a loved one, but what I am saying is know if this is the case, before you marry. This gives you the opportunity to know what you’re getting into.
Learn if they’re mommas boy or daddy’s girl, because trust me this too causes problems when people decide to marry these types of individuals. If you can’t stand their momma before marriage, it won’t get better any time soon afterward you marry.
Know whether or not they have a criminal history. It’s important to know who you’re getting with. You don’t want to get with someone who can ruin everything you’ve accomplished for yourself.
Are they affectionate? Do they know how to show and receive love. Do they have a problem with holding you or kissing you. If they do, it gets lonely after being with someone and not receiving the affection you need. Too many people marry and accept things in thinking it will change later or they can change the person. It just doesn’t work this way.
What is their opinion of sex? Are they into things you’re not? Are they sex addicts or nymphos? Do they like to swing? Are they bi-sexual? It’s super important to know these things before you marry.
Are they a cheater or abuser? If so, if you accepted this behavior throughout dating, it will more than likely continue on into the marriage and possibly escalate into something more serious.
I can go on and on, but I hope you get the direction I am going in. It is very important to get to know your significant other. When people get together and marry without knowing one another it will always come back and bite both in the butt. When an individual accept anything to get with someone, you must understand what you accept is EXACTLY what you will be getting. More than likely they won’t change anytime soon and believe me, you will eventually hear the words “you knew this about me before we got married.” Guess what? It’s true!
People marry individuals who do things that drive them crazy before marrying them, yet they think their significant other will change once married. They marry people in thinking they can save them from drugs, alcohol, or other bad situations. You can’t! All you will do is end up like them. You will possibly become lost and confused, depressed, unhappy, develop anxiety, or worse. All because you foolishly thought you could save the person.
People get with individual’s who party all of the time. They like the strip clubs, etc, but when they marry they expect for the partying to stop. It simply doesn’t work this way. If you’re willing to accept them a certain way, this is how they will be.
What I’m saying here is communication is the key. You must get to know one another before marrying. If you can’t talk about any and everything with your significant other this is a major RED FLAG! I’m not saying start off asking some of the tough questions, however you do need to eventually address them. Anything you accept, ignore, or fail to address will come back on you later and pose as a major problem during the marriage. No relationship is perfect, but when it’s built on a strong solid foundation a couple can weather any store. If it’s built on anything other than love and being in love it’s going to be a battle.
Basically, all I’m trying to do here is to give you some insight. Too many marriages are failing these days, because people are getting into them for the wrong reasons or after marriage they’re allowing too many people from the outside inside. If you’re not in love with your significant other before marriage the marriage will be a struggle. If you’re not in love with who you’re with, you’re setting yourself up for drama. You will not be happy and the marriage will begin to fail, before it’s started good.
You can’t change anyone other than yourself. How you willfully accept someone into your life expect them to be that way. Is this you??? If it is please re-valuate your life, before making what is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. A husband and have should have other friends, but they should be one another’s best friend. I can’t tell you how many I know who can barely stand each other. They choose others to be their best friends and this too causes discord in relationships (hard to be best friends with someone you don’t really know). Everything I’ve written is based on personal experience or situations I’ve encountered while working with others.