SOME REASONS MARRIAGES DON’T LAST

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I wanted to talk a little about this. In my opinion I believe the main reason this happens is because some people shouldn’t be together in the first place. People get together and marry for many reasons. How a couple get together is also very important (adultery, the hookup, online dating, etc..etc). Some reasons people marry are: They’re pressured into it or feel obligated, they allow their hearts to lead them wrong by going solely on the emotions they’re feeling, they allow good sex to cause them to lose focus (they’re sold on it), they allow other people such as family and friends to persuade them it’s time, they allow pregnancy to force them into it, they allow their biological clocks to drive them to do it, they allow circumstances such as deploying overseas to push them to hurry and marry, some people go off of how a person look and what they have to offer to drive them to marriage. I can go on and on. Bottom line is often times it won’t last. If people marry for any reason other than loving and being in love with one another they will have a hard time making it work.

A solid foundation is absolutely key for any healthy and lasting relationship. The problem is most couples don’t have this when they marry nor do they know how to communicate to get one. I believe the foundation surrounds God, communication, and being in love. However some people don’t believe in God, so they have to go on communication, love, and being in love. There has to be a solid foundation. Sex, money, family, friends, a child, status, good looks, etc, etc. None of it will keep a marriage together if the couple aren’t in love and able to effectively communicate.

Communication helps love to flourish and grow. Communication is a major key. If a couple don’t communicate their relationship is bound to fail sooner or later. Many couples live together, but aren’t in love.They’re doing their own individual things and living under the same roofs like roommates. They’re separated in the home and oth are unhappy, sad, and lonely. What type of relationship is this? It’s not one! Nothing is more miserable. Many stay together for financial reasons (cheaper to keep her or keep him). Regardless of the scenario if a couple aren’t in love it will be hard to keep it together.

Starting a relationship and building the foundation should involve getting to know one another. Unfortunately too many get married when they hardly know one another. It baffles me when I see couples together yet know nothing about one another or about the other’s family. People, this is a RED FLAG! You should always get to know a family member or someone who really knows the person you’re involved with. A person can tell you anything to get you. Don’t fall for this, get to know someone this person is related to, I don’t care if they have no siblings or if they’re adopted. Get to know someone in your significant others life, BEFORE you talk about marriage.

Get to know the individual. What I mean here is get to know who you’re with. Some things you should get to know are things such as:

Their likes, dislikes. The best way you will do this is through communication. It matters to your significant other to know you know their likes and dislikes. Nothing is more inconsiderate then to give someone something they don’t like or do things they don’t like.

Views on their faith and everything that  goes along with it. It’s important to know if your beliefs are similar. They may believe something different than you or they may worship somewhere you’re not willing to. This is something that needs to be addressed. If it’s an issue before marriage, it will be one after marriage.

Know their financial status. Will they be able to contribute financially or not. Are they indebt to others and if so is it by a large amount. In knowing this, it’s good to know their credit history as well. After marrying you may want to make a major purchase together, however this can’t happen if one has really bad credit.

Do they have kids and if they don’t do they want any? It’s also important to know about their relationship with their child’s parent. Do they allow the other parent to rule their current relationships? Many women get pregnant to trap men. This is a terrible thing and it doesn’t keep relationships together. What type of parenting style will you have if you have children together? It’s very important to know these things, because these things has ended marriages.

Important to know if they have about their health (mental and physical). You need to know if you’re getting with someone who has something you don’t want to catch or it’s someone you have to dedicate a lot of time and attention to, because they had something you didn’t know about. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of a loved one, but what I am saying is know if this is the case, before you marry. This gives you the opportunity to know what you’re getting into.

Learn if they’re mommas boy or daddy’s girl, because trust me this too causes problems when people decide to marry these types of individuals. If you can’t stand their momma before marriage, it won’t get better any time soon afterward you marry.

Know whether or not they have a criminal history. It’s important to know who you’re getting with. You don’t want to get with someone who can ruin everything you’ve accomplished for yourself.

Are they affectionate? Do they know how to show and receive love. Do they have a problem with holding you or kissing you. If they do, it gets lonely after being with someone and not receiving the affection you need. Too many people marry and accept things in thinking it will change later or they can change the person. It just doesn’t work this way.

What is their opinion of sex? Are they into things you’re not? Are they sex addicts or nymphos? Do they like to swing? Are they bi-sexual? It’s super important to know these things before you marry.

Are they a cheater or abuser? If so, if you accepted this behavior throughout dating, it will more than likely continue on into the marriage and possibly escalate into something more serious.

I can go on and on, but I hope you get the direction I am going in. It is very important to get to know your significant other. When people get together and marry without knowing one another it will always come back and bite both in the butt. When an individual accept anything to get with someone, you must understand what you accept is EXACTLY what you will be getting. More than likely they won’t change anytime soon and believe me, you will eventually hear the words “you knew this about me before we got married.” Guess what? It’s true!

People marry individuals who do things that drive them crazy before marrying them, yet they think their significant other will change once married. They marry people in thinking they can save them from drugs, alcohol, or other bad situations. You can’t! All you will do is end up like them. You will possibly become lost and confused, depressed, unhappy, develop anxiety, or worse. All because you foolishly thought you could save the person.

People get with individual’s who party all of the time. They like the strip clubs, etc, but when they marry they expect for the partying to stop. It simply doesn’t work this way. If you’re willing to accept them a certain way, this is how they will be.

What I’m saying here is communication is the key. You must get to know one another before marrying. If you can’t talk about any and everything with your significant other this is a major RED FLAG! I’m not saying start off asking some of the tough questions, however you do need to eventually address them. Anything you accept, ignore, or fail to address will come back on you later and pose as a major problem during the marriage. No relationship is perfect, but when it’s built on a strong solid foundation a couple can weather any store. If it’s built on anything other than love and being in love it’s going to be a battle.

Basically, all I’m trying to do here is to give you some insight. Too many marriages are failing these days, because people are getting into them for the wrong reasons or after marriage they’re allowing too many people from the outside inside. If you’re not in love with your significant other before marriage the marriage will be a struggle. If you’re not in love with who you’re with, you’re setting yourself up for drama. You will not be happy and the marriage will begin to fail, before it’s started good.

You can’t change anyone other than yourself. How you willfully accept someone into your life expect them to be that way. Is this you??? If it is please re-valuate your life, before making what is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. A husband and have should have other friends, but they should be one another’s best friend. I can’t tell you how many I know who can barely stand each other. They choose others to be their best friends and this too causes discord in relationships (hard to be best friends with someone you don’t really know). Everything I’ve written is based on personal experience or situations I’ve encountered while working with others.

 

 

WHY DO YOU STAY WITH AN ABUSER

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If this touches home for you, before you read any further stop and think to yourself “why do you stay.” It’s not all about the abuser, it has a lot to do with you. There are some things inside of you that holds you captive. You have a lot of issues inside that haven’t been dealt with. Anyone can avoid this type of situation by not getting involved with this type of person from the start. I really understand that many people don’t have the maturity or understanding to see the signs. They’re completely focused on loving the abuser until they’ve lost focus on what is truly going on.

Let’s start from the beginning of the relationship. I mentioned red flags earlier in posts, however this time I will talk a little more in depth about it. You meet the abuser, but you don’t know right away they’re an abuser. You decide to become involved with this person. Most times people will put on a front and only show you what they want you to see. However, regardless of this fact, IF you accept the signs around you, the truth will eventually show. It never fails. Individuals always say after the relationship is beyond repair; that they actually saw signs early on. Why is it this way? I will tell you; it’s because signs always present at some point subtle or not. An abuser has aggression and anger issues. Many of these people prey on the weaknesses of others. They abuse people who allow it. They’re weak people who normally won’t treat other people this way, because others won’t allow it. Some of them use their anger issues to be bullies, they like to see people afraid of them. They think they’re tough, but in reality they’re weak.

Many of them will woo and coo you until they get you. They will say and do what you want until they get you to a place where they feel you’re into them. Once they do they then begin to show signs here and there of who they REALLY are. The signs may include; They may be controlling (telling you what to wear, what you can and cannot do, who you can be around, who you can talk to etc.etc). They may be obsessive and possessive (isolating you from your family and friends, everything you do they have to be with you or have to know where you are or what you’ve done, they may want to be in charge, they treat you like you’re a child).

Both women and men who are dealing with a lot of insecurities for whatever reason falls prey to abusers. Many individuals who fall for abusers are desperate for love, lonely, dependent, depressed, no or low esteem, and all kinds of other things going on. The abuser comes along; they know you’re vulnerable and wanting to be loved. They ease into your life and before you know it you’re in an unhealthy relationship. When a person is controlling, demanding, obsessive, or possessive none of it has to do with love. It’s a distorted way of thinking about love. LOVE isn’t any of those things. Love is kind, gentle, giving, caring, sharing, etc. If someone is trying to control your life in any of the ways listed or other ways, please don’t think it’s because they’re a protector and they love you so much. It’s because they’re trying to drain you of your power.

Abusers are people with many issues as well. Something has happened in the life of abusers to have caused them to be they way they are. As mentioned in a previous post, it’s almost always related to unresolved past issues. Abusers are also seeking someone to love. They too have a distorted way of thinking and normally have gone through a lot of failed relationships. In relationships they could very well show their hand outright, but will apologize for any inappropriateness. They will say how sorry they are and they will do it in such a believable way individuals in relationships with abusers will fall for it. This is because these individuals are so eager to be loved, they want to believe the abuser. Sorry is one of their most favorite words to say.

Abusers are smooth talkers, they know exactly what to do and say to get who they want. Some are in powerful positions and others aren’t. Some have a lot of money and things to offer and others do not. They come in all shapes, sizes, races, and genders. Bottom line their intentions are all the same; which is to manipulate and deceive. Most time others who are around them for whatever reason never know they’re this way until the abuse is made public. People then can’t believe what they have heard.

A lot of individuals in relationships with abusers end up trapped (so they think in their minds). They are fearful of what the abuser will do to them if they fight back, tell, or leave. They threaten to harm children, family, and friends. Unfortunately many have followed through with the threats. Fearful is exactly how abusers want their significant others to feel. He or she wants the individual to feel helpless, dependent on them, hopeless. Most times the abuser will tell the individual no one else wants them. Abusers drain the little self esteem the individuals involved with them may have had (which normally isn’t much if any). This isn’t love.

Anytime you’re in a relationship, I don’t care what a person have or who they are. If they verbally abuse you it’s possible it will lead to physical abuse and even if it doesn’t you don’t need to be in a relationship with anyone who is doing this. You don’t need anyone in your life breaking you down. If they slap, smack, tap, push, spit on, bite, head-butt, rape, restrain in a way to hold you captive, or anything remotely similar you need to GET OUT! Get out before the relationship goes any further. If you’ve married the abuser SEEK HELP! 

DO NOT ever give your power to anyone under any circumstance. It’s not love to allow someone to abuse you. You ALWAYS have a CHOICE to get out. Stop believing you’re trapped YOU’RE NOT! Stop allowing fear to keep you in an unhealthy relationship. I’ve heard story after story of individual’s dying at the hands of their abuser (the person who supposedly loved them). This NEVER has to happen, because individuals can get out at the first sign. I don’t care how subtle or how much an abuser apologizes. I don’t care how much snot they sling or tears they shed; DO NOT feel sorry for them or give in. Get out, get out, get out! Tell someone, seek help somewhere, but get out. If you don’t you may die in that unhealthy relationship at the hands of your abuser OR you could be so broken down you want to take your own life. Some people have committed suicide because they felt it was there only way out. This isn’t true.

PLEASE DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. YOU GET OUT!

Below are two poems among many of the poems I’ve published. They are copy written and published in a book. The poems I write are reality based and sometimes they are a bit graphic. I wrote them after tragedies struck people I knew. One concerns a guy who was a soldier in the Army as a mental health professional who end up killing his wife. I’ve known several cases such as this. It’s not me simply writing about it. It’s real and it’s happening every day. PLEASE TAKE HEED TO THIS!

Why Some Abused Women Stay

Confused, abused, can’t hardly see
Tainted, damaged, and lost as can be
In their minds they’re nothing at all
Don’t think they can survive lest they fall

For the sake of the children, they don’t know what to do
Having no money at all to carry them through
No education or skills to go to work
That is one reason why they stay with the jerk

Their parents, his parents is why some stay
Too afraid of what they will have to say
Threats on their lives and their families too
Afraid of him doing what he says that he’ll do

Scared that starting over will be tough as can be
Many stay out of that false sense of security
Because of his status people will not believe
Of all the abuse that they often receive

Being told that no one else will want them again
Since they’re not as attractive as they once had been
Manipulated by him to always have it his way
These too are reasons that some women stay

No esteem or faith that they need to get out
Instead in themselves they continue to doubt
Co-dependent with no courage to take a stand
Are other reasons they stay with that abusive man

Flowers for Me

The guy that I loved was a very violent man
His last attack on me my body couldn’t withstand
I stayed too long and now it is too late
Take heed anyone who can possibly relate
I didn’t want to go, but I had no choice
Don’t be sad at my funeral instead rejoice

I was punched, choked, and even knocked out
Being threatened by him if I screamed or shout
Fearing the worst on this day I begged for my life
Ignoring all of my pleas he pulled out a knife
Sticking and slicing as I fell with a plop
Blood pouring everywhere as if never to stop

Out of all the beatings this was the worst attack
I should have left long ago never looking back
The ambulance came for me on this day
Then the Paramedic called me in D.O.A
It was a shock to everyone that knew of me
Since I told no one of all the beatings you see

I’ve never gotten flowers before
Today I got roses, carnations, and more
So many flowers arranged beautifully
Not for my eyes, but for others to see
Guess what? I even got tulips too
And a beautiful guestbook signed for me by you

First time in my life I got flowers today
And so many gathered around in dismay
To say their goodbyes and farewells too
I hope this tragedy never happens to you
If you find yourself in a relationship like mine
Get out now! Before you run out of time

ALLOWING YOUR PAST TO RUIN YOUR PRESENT

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Many will be able to relate to this post. I can’t tell you the amount of people (all ages, race, and gender) I’ve met over the years who are allowing their past to interfere and sabotage their lives. The past for each of us is long gone. In reality the truth is no one’s past causes them pain. It can’t; because it is no more. What causes an individual pain is the memories they hold of their past. These memories are derived from our thoughts. Our thoughts fuel everything in our lives. It determines how we perceive any situation whether traumatic or not. If you take things in and consider them as bad, bad is how you will mostly react to them.

People are stuck in their lives due to unfortunate events they experienced years before. They hold on to thoughts which in return fuels their feelings and behaviors. They continue to go back to those memories and by doing so it continues to make them think, feel, and react a certain way to what they’re thinking about. This is doing nothing but sabotaging the ability to grow.

No matter what a person has endured as a child they can get past the pains of it, IF they really want to. People for whatever reason no matter how much pain and drama it causes in their lives will hold on to what they are familiar with. This is due to distorted ways of thinking. As children it is true troubles in life are started by others, because as a child you’re exposed to other people (parents, siblings, friends, other family, and others). As a child you don’t really comprehend what it means to take ownership of your actions, etc. You don’t understand how to effectively deal with traumatic episodes.

When a child goes through these traumatic periods in life if they don’t resolve what’s ailing them before entering into adulthood they will move on through their stages of development, but they don’t grow. They remain fixated in whatever stage they haven’t resolved. They then grow into adults who are still carrying issues of their childhood with them into their adult lives. As a child you may not quite understand how to deal with those issues, but as an adult you can no longer blame them on your past. It’s time to face them and move on from them. If not you will remain stuck for a lifetime. Someone may still not understand what I’m writing. I will try to elaborate with a few scenarios.

For instance: As a child may have been beaten by your parents, abandoned, neglected, sexually abused, called all kinds of names or something similar. You could have been a child who was raised by substance abusing parents and it’s all you saw as a kid. You may have never been shown love (never was embraced or heard the words I love you). You may of been a kid who had to fend for yourself. You may of had parents who were around but not around (you were raised by the nanny or someone else and you never got the attention you needed). You may have been raised by parents who were so busy being your friend they failed to parent (the home had no structure or discipline and you did whatever you wanted). You may of had parents who fought all of the time (your home was full of chaos). You may of had parents who themselves were depressed, suicidal, etc. You may have been a kid who saw your mom abused in all kinds of ways. You have been molested or raped by parents, family members or friends of the family. The list of examples are endless.

What happens is you hold those feelings inside as you go through your stages of development (toddler, adolescence, teenager, young adult, adult, etc). You’re trying to deal with what you’re going through and in the midst of it all you still continue to grow up. You may become bitter, angry, promiscuous, antisocial, suicidal, homicidal, on and on.

A child who doesn’t bond with their parent; as an adult will most likely have problems forming and keeping intimate relationships (close friendships, significant others, or socializing period). If as a child you’ve been verbally abused or physically abused all of it can cause prolonged issues if feelings are held inward. Anything horrific a child endures as they continue through their stages of development can cause fixation and they will definitely become adults still dealing with the same issues. Most don’t really mature even though they get older and they hide a lot from others. They may become dependent (clingy and needy), co-dependent (happiness based on someone else), lack of esteem, no confidence, alcohol and drug abusers, and many other things. It’s all because they’re dealing with the memories of those past events. They allow this to hold them back in life.

No one on earth has to live way. It’s not the past that’s causing the pain. It’s the memories of it. You must seek help on how to rid yourself of the distorted way of thinking. It is why you keep going through the same things in your current life. This is why many are struggling with issues they can’t seem to get over. It’s all in their way of thinking. Those bitter feelings and the bad behaviors are directly linked to the way you think. Change the way you think and you can change your entire life. You have to really want to do it and have the will to do it. You must be CONSISENT on your journey to change. You don’t have to continue to give your power to memories of your past. Stop treating yourself badly, you dealt with that already. You deserve better, no matter what anyone says. No more negative ways of thinking. It’s time for a change.

You don’t have to walk around hating anyone or being bitter and angry over something that has happened in your past. Many of you don’t speak to family or friends today, because of it. This doesn’t only pertain to dealing with the past. I know this post is about the past, but changing your way of thinking works for every situation you may encounter in life (past or present). Constantly thinking about negative things causes you to have ill feelings about them or causes you to continue holding on to the anger you’ve felt over it. It messes with you; mind, body, and soul. It affects every part of your being and your life.

If this is you, please seek help. You hold the key to change inside, you just have to believe it and want it. Make that first step today! I believe in you and I know it’s absolutely possible.

HOW DO YOU LOOK

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This is another post for my sisters. I want you to really think about this post. How do you think of yourself? I am a nice looking female, but for a long time I wore colored contact lenses. Then one day a light bulb came on in my head. Why was I wearing the colored lenses? I liked the way they made my eyes looked , but truth was it meant I was unhappy with my own eye color. That day I had an epiphany and the contacts came out forever. I’ve never worn them again. I am a very nice looking woman and I don’t need anything artificial to make me feel better about myself.

I see women of all races (my sisters) wearing colored contact lenses, weaves, getting butt injections, boob jobs, face lifts, any and everything. It’s a personal choice, but think about it for a second. Why are you unhappy with what you were born with? I could see if you were overweight and you wanted to lose weight, but I don’t agree with the other stuff. It’s not my business or my decision, but it’s sad the way society gets into our heads (if allowed).

There are celebrities and other people I know personally belonging to all races; that NEVER wear their real hair. They always and I mean always wear weaves or wigs. I think it’s so sad. Are you that unhappy with what you really look like? Wearing weaves or wigs ALL OF THE TIME ruins your scalp and your real hair.

Recently I looked at a magazine cover of black women. I was so sad at what I saw. These were celebrities and although black, they looked like a bunch of white women. I think it’s so sad people have to feel it’s necessary to look like something they’re not in order to feel a certain way or be accepted. You got some of my black sisters doing Miss Clairol commercials for hair, when what they’re wearing is a wig. It doesn’t make sense. It’s false advertisement, but that’s the way of society these days.

Something else that’s baffling is why do many women squeeze into clothes three sizes too small. Why? Do you think it’s appealing? It’s not. It’s disgusting. You have the right to wear what you want, but many women need to stop dressing in front of the magic mirror. YEAH you read it right! Some of what women wear is ridiculous. Not only are some of the clothes too small; some of the clothing women wear is too revealing. What messages do women think they project to any children they may have or those who see then? Some of you dress with all of your boobs hanging out or see through clothes. Why? You may be very cute, but in my opinion it still shows a lack of self respect. The lack of self confidence and esteem doesn’t have a respectable person. When women dress inappropriate (too provocative) it DOES NOT show class, it shows there’s some issues behind the lack of clothes they’re wearing. It shows insecurities. Men may see you and find you attractive, but they wouldn’t want you around their mothers dressed like that and IF they do something is wrong with them too. There is a fine line between being sexy and provocative. You can be very sexy fully clothed. I feel sorry for women who dress this way. Some women do it to get a man, but let me tell you, when you dress like trash, you will attract trash, and you will be passed around like trash.

I just want my sisters of all races to look in the mirror and love what you see. Don’t allow the image society has deemed as (the image) be a reflection of who you should be. Know that you don’t have to try to look like or be someone you’re not. Embrace you and love you (every part of you). When you’re always doing the opposite it says something about you. Perhaps you need to really think about why you’re doing it.

 

AVOID THE CHEATER

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Okay, this is for both ladies and gents. You’ve been told they’re in a relationship, so what should you do? I think you should RUN! Game over! If you decide to stay you need to stop and re-evaluate who you are as a person. As I mentioned in an earlier post, a cheater is disrespecting you, who they’re with, and his or her self. Why would you continue to move on with this type of relationship? It shows a lack of self respect. I don’t care what reason a person gives for staying in the other relationship. It doesn’t matter! It’s off limits.

I’ve sat across from too many people who subject themselves to this type of situation. People get involved with those who are already in relationships; yet feel heart broken when they can’t get out of it what they want. You get exactly what you signed up for. You want to complain and give ultimatum’s. You have no right to do either. You knew the situation before you made the decision to continue with it.

Granted some people don’t know the other person is already in a relationship, because they lie. However, if you take heed to the signs that are present, I’m sure you could figure out something is going on. A person who’s taken can’t always be available and they have certain ways of doing things to try an prevent getting caught. They make excuses for everything. They use their moms, kids, other family members, the jobs, friends, or something for why they can’t be with you. They make excuses when they’re on the phone. Some will be cheating and talking to their significant other while they’re with the person they’re cheating with. If you think it’s okay, something is seriously wrong. A person who accepts this has no self esteem and insecurities they need to deal with. As long as this type of person gives the cheater their power, it will be taken.

Figure out why you feel you’re unworthy of someone who can love you, be honest with you, and be loyal to you. Learn how to love yourself in such a way that you won’t ever allow anyone to disrespect you this way again. If they are cheating with you, it means they will cheat on you, just as they cheat on their significant other. Cheaters have issues and it’s why they cheat. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with their significant others; it’s all about who a cheater is as a person.

I don’t care if they’re not married. It matters if they’re in a relationship with someone else. The bottom line is; he or she are already in a relationship. Case closed! How do you think relationships blossom into marriage or serious relationships? They start by being in a relationship with someone. So if the couple isn’t married, simply being in a relationship together matters. So please don’t get into a relationship with anyone who is already in one with someone else. I don’t care what they have to offer you, don’t do it.

Learn how to love yourself. Develop your confidence and self esteem. Face whatever insecurities you’re dealing with. Most times the insecurities evolve around unresolved past issues. Many people with unresolved past issues normally make bad life decisions especially when it comes to relationships. People treat you exactly how you allow them to treat you. Some people prey on the weaknesses of others. If you settle for trash, trash is what you’ll get. Don’t be fooled by what’s presented to you. Face the truth! When someone you’re interested is taken you should not become involved with this individual. You can definitely control it by avoiding it. If you dabble with it in your mind you’re only keeping it going in your mind. This can be avoided if you do the right thing; which is to avoid it and put if from your mind. You deserve better!

People could save themselves so much drama if they would stop going off of what they feel with their hearts and think of the entire picture (using their brains). It may feel good, but a situation such as this is never good. Anytime you cheat with someone who’s already in a relationship you’re wrong, wrong, wrong. Think about how you would feel if it happened to you. You wouldn’t like it. Treat people how you would like to be treated. You deserve better, but if you settle and allow any ole thing into your life, it is exactly what you will get. You can’t be mad at no one but yourself.

HE’S A BUM, KNOW YOUR WORTH

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Most miss the signs, because of what we think is love. My mom used to always say “start out how you can hold out.” I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. In relationships too many people see the truth, but choose to sweep it under the rug. What you accept is exactly what you will get from anyone. If you clearly see the truth, then please believe it!

I think some women can be categorized as a bum same as some men. However this is for the ladies. For this post a bum means a slothful person who DOESN’T have the desire or energy to do anything, but mooch off of someone else. That’s my definition. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are very good looking and most have a great talent of gab. They can talk the red off of an apple. LOL. Seriously, they are smooth talkers.

Ladies,if you have to pick him up or if he has no place to call his own, RED FLAG! If when you go out, you have to pay for the food, because he has no money, RED FLAG! If when he reaches in his pocket all he pulls out is lint (every time), RED FLAG! If you have to feed and clothe him, RED FLAG. If he’s not remotely trying to help himself, RED FLAG! If every time you look around you’re having to give him money, RED FLAG! DO YOU GET MY POINT!!! Let’s start with something simple. If you have to pick him up, please find out why you have to pick him up. Some women are so desperate they will settle for this. If it’s because he doesn’t have a car, ask why! Think about it. Why do you need someone in your life who can’t carry his own weight. If there’s a good legitimate reason, I can understand it, but because he’s a lazy bum and don’t own a car or anything else of his own; I don’t think so!

Some women take these types of men into their homes and many are around their children. What do you think as a woman you instill into your children when they see this? It needs to stop. You have children and you have a man who you have to take care of as if he’s one of the children. Yet, you’re letting him call the shots. ARE YOU SERIOUS! Ladies, if you’re doing this you need to stop and reevaluate your life, because something is wrong.

You’re involved with someone you have to take care of. Where is the sense in that? If he can’t contribute, it’s a problem. Stop allowing what you think is love to keep you stuck in this vicious cycle. You deserve better. If you’re working and holding it down, you don’t need a man holding you back. Money you could be saving for something else, you’re spending feeding, clothing, and taking care of him. It needs to stop. You need to work on your insecurities whatever they may be.

What he can do in the bedroom has nothing to do with what he can contribute to your life. A penis is a penis, like a vagina is a vagina. No one has a gold one or a magical one. Stop fooling yourself in thinking it’s so good you can’t live without it. If that’s your focus, you’re confused and got it wrong. Snap out of it and face reality. Look at what you’re allowing in your life and the life of any children you may have. I wouldn’t care if he were the best looking man on earth, he’s not worth it. Looks fade at some point and people get tired of sex if that’s all the relationship is built on. Then what do you have? Absolutely nothing, but what you started with, a bum..

Some of you women let these men take over your homes when they have nothing to contribute to the household. It’s foolish and ridiculous. These types of women obviously don’t know what love is, because this sure isn’t it. Real men will take care of their women. In a relationship a grown and mature man will take care of his woman and she will take care of him. Stop giving your power to someone or something when it belongs to you. As I always say, if you freely give it, it will be taken.

Stop allowing good looks or sex to have you completely oblivious to the truth when it’s staring you in your face. It won’t take long to figure him out, but if you’re stuck on the looks, you’re wrong and it is all you will see. Some men will look the part, but the truth isn’t hard to see if you want to see it. He can present himself as having this or that, but when “the rubber meets the road” he has nothing to call his own. There are always and I mean always signs of the truth, if we accept the truth as it is and not as we want it to be.

Wake up ladies and know your worth! If you don’t know who you are or what you deserve you will fall for anything. Figure out yourself,  instead of being so willing to lose yourself in someone else.

As I stated some women are bums too. They want someone to take care of them and like some men; they don’t want to hit a lick at anything, Everything they have they want it given to them, same as some men. In my opinion, no man should settle for this type of woman no more than any woman this type of man. Some of them have children and too lazy to care for the children. In reality all that’s  written in the post could very well pertain to women too, but I particularly wrote it for my sisters. I’m so sick of seeing women of all races settling for bums. It’s shameful, but these women are showing no shame. My sisters, please reevaluate your life. You deserve better!

RED FLAGS IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Many get into new relationships feeling solely with their hearts. Love isn’t blind, people are and because of it many willfully get into bad relationships that often leave them in places they never imagined and sometimes it means; dead. When an individual get into a new relationship, it’s imperative they look at the whole picture and not simply what’s on the surface. Feeling solely with the heart is never good. When people do this they miss or completely ignore the signs staring them right in their faces. We all have missed the signs at some point in life due to immaturity. I’ve always said, maturity doesn’t automatically comes with age. Unfortunate, but true! Stop making excuses for bad decisions and figure out why you make them over and over. As you continue to read, I pray you can take something away from what’s written.

THE FIRST MEETING
This is where it all goes wrong. Why you may ask? It’s because this is where the focus is lost. People lose focus (some never had it in the first place) when money, status, title, looks, sex, or material things comes into play. Yes sex; some people go at it right away. RED FLAG. It’s a red flag, because in 2014 some people actually still have sex on their first meeting. This is a clear indication there’s something wrong with both individuals. Some people use what they have (looks, title, sex, status, money) to drawn others in. When people do this, it means something is wrong with them. None of it will last (money may, but then again it may not). One thing for sure is it can’t EVER buy love, it can buy the person, but NEVER love. People come in different cultures, shapes, sizes, and genders, and populations and they have looks, titles, status, money, and good sex. Nothing a person has tells who they are upon meeting them. If an individual doesn’t know who they are as a person, how can they figure out anyone else? They can’t and this is where it goes wrong.

ARE THEY ALREADY INVOLVED

Is the person you’re attracted to and want to know better already in a relationship? If so, RED FLAG! This clearly tells you major information about the other person. Some of these people will swear they’re good people and they may be on the norm, but the bottom line is they aren’t in this particular situation. If a person cheats with you, they will cheat on you. Too many continue on with these relationships, setting themselves up for heartache and pain. A man or woman who is already in a relationship yet trying to get with you is a form of disrespect all around. They have no respect for self, their significant other, or you. They make you feel special or honored that they want to get with you. It’s total bull. Stop falling for it. This has red flags all over it. Anyone who goes along with it, it tells you something about yourself. You have securities you need to deal with that make you sale yourself short. You will find you’re simply not that special. The person will cheat on you too! This causes unnecessary drama in the life of anyone who goes along with starting a relationship with someone who’s already involved. A cheater no matter how good he treats you is a player, bottom line. If you accept a player expect to be played. Don’t do it!

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THEM

Outside of already being in a relationship there are so many other things that could be going on. I will try to name a few below:

Pedophiles present themselves to women everyday and women are accepting them into their lives and the lives of their children. Many children are abused by these types of people while the women willfully allow it. It’s tragic, but it’s the truth. If you don’t believe it, research it yourself. I don’t know what women or men think when they get with these types of individuals. “A zebra doesn’t change its stripes.” You know why individuals get with these types of people? It’s because they have issues themselves. Children have no say or control over what their parents do. It’s not fair to children who have to deal with the mistakes of their parents, by having to be raped or molested by pedophiles brought into their lives by their messed up parent/s. Too many women know this up front, but they’re blind by their way of thinking.

Physical, Verbal, Mental, Emotional Abusers are people with their many issues. These types of individuals don’t face their issues, instead they take them into the lives of others. Those who get involved with these types of people know through signs something is wrong, but again they are being lead by their hearts. It’s not cute to be playfully slapped or called names. Some individuals get involve with others who immediately show signs of this, because it’s all they know and are accustomed too. RED FLAGS! During dating, NEVER settle for any form of abuse. Walk away while you can. Too many are trapped because they choose to follow their hearts and didn’t accept the truth staring them in their faces in the very beginning. When the abuse escalates later, it is absolutely no coincidence. People want to make excuses for not seeing the signs, but the signs are always present in some way whether subtle or not.

Do they contribute too or take away from the relationship? If they can’t or won’t contribute; please tell me what is the point? There isn’t any! Too many people get with individuals who are slothful and have no ambition or drive of any sorts, because of good looks. We all want someone attractive, but if all you’re going by is physical attraction, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU! People are attracted to others for many reasons other than physical. There is nothing wrong with having someone good looking, but if that’s all they have; BYE! So many go wrong here; they’re allowing their hearts to lead. Some of you see someone good looking and you lose focus. If you lose focus, baby you lose control! The good looking person you’re so into could have a disease or could be a complete lunatic. You ever heard “everything glitters isn’t gold.” Trust me; it isn’t! If you’re the type to go for this, RED FLAG! Something is wrong with you and therefore you need to figure it out! Stop being desperate, because desperate people are treated exactly how they act.

Do they practice a sexual behavior different from your preference? If they do RED FLAG! Do not go any further into the relationship. If you’re a woman who gets with a man who also like men, do you think you’re it for him? If you’re a man who gets with a woman and she likes other women, do you think you’re it for her? YOU’RE NOT and it’s foolish for you to think so. You think what you have or how you can lay down the sex means you will change the other person. YOU’RE DREAMING! What the other likes will eventually surface in your relationship and slap you right in your face. It will not be a coincidence. Know your limitations and boundaries and stand firmly on them. No one is worth you doing something you don’t want in the name of what you think is love. It’s NOT LOVE!

Are they into substance abuse? If you know they are, please don’t falsely think that you can save them, because you can’t. What normally happens is you’re pulled into their world. Are you willing to risk it? THINK ABOUT THIS; if this person means you any good, they wouldn’t try to coerce you into their world. I don’t care what they do or say when they’re sober, you can’t fix them. Those who get involved with substance abusers often lose themselves in the midst of their fight to save the other person. The only person you can save is you! “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” A person can love you and change for a brief moment to get you, but they will ALMOST ALWAYS revert back to their old ways, because they didn’t change for themselves. A person has to change because they want too and not for anyone else in order for it to be lasting change. You can support them, but please allow these types of people to get help and come out of their addictions, before you go falling all in love. You will wish you had!!!

There are always signs and these signs indicates controlling, abusive, possessive, or obsessive behaviors, but individuals choose to over look the signs. Choosing to continue in relationships with any of the types of people listed above is a mistake. You will always get exactly what you allow and accept. People make terrible decisions in thinking they can change the person. No vagina or penis is magical. Individuals only have a distorted way of thinking due to issues they have; which contributes to their decisions. No one can change someone else. You can’t save another person. You can’t figure out someone when you don’t know yourself. People constantly pack junk on top of junk and end up with a complete mess!!

Work on yourself and figure out why you do what you, why you allow what you allow, why you accept what you accept into your life. People do it most likely because they’re holding on to something they can’t do anything about (issues of the past). A person’s past will mess them up if allowed. It will keep them stuck and repeating the same cycle over and over. Actually it’s not their past it’s their way of thinking of memories of their pasts. Dealing with and changing the way you think will change your feelings, behaviors, and lives. It’s guaranteed!! You will make better decisions about everything and you will see the signs that are in your face. You will love you and know that you deserve better. You will walk away from things that aren’t good for you.