Seeing With Your Eyes Not Your Heart

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I know some of you will get the title while others won’t. The past 2 weeks I’ve been on a well deserved vacation. No matter where I go, I always seem to give out words of encouragement,  advice, opinions, recommendations, etc. It’s fine, I love walking in my calling at all times and anywhere.

It NEVER ceases to amaze me the many people who are dealing with similar issues. People ask your opinion, recommendation, or advice, but most times they won’t/don’t take it. Over and over without fail I’ve encountered both women and men who are in unhappy relationships. Honestly, I get it! I understand why people do what they do. Many of them don’t, but I get it. What I found is regardless of how many times you tell the truth, those who don’t want to receive it; won’t!

No matter how much information is available on relationships  people will continue to do it their way. No matter how long people go through their revolving doors of life, they will continue to do things their way. Some people hit rock bottom, yet don’t even understand that they are there. It’s so sad!!

I believe one of the most false statements is “follow your heart.” If a person is thinking right and acknowledging the truth as the truth, along with following their hearts ok, I agreed 200%. However, if a person is solely following their hearts this means they’re being lead by their wrongs ways of thinking. They are going solely off of what they are feeling and therefore unable to process the truth. They see with the eyes of their hearts and not at all with the eyes in their heads! In relationships many mess up by going solely  off of what they feel. People must understand, acknowledge, and know that their thoughts and feeling are correct. They will know it’s true by the way they’re treated. Learn how to listen to what is said and how you’re spoken to by the one you love. While you’re listening, you must see if the words line up with the actions. Love is shown through more than words, actions tell the true story!! In relationships people must see the truth and accept it for what it is and be able to move on.

What else do a person have to do to show you they aren’t as into you as you are into them???????????? If a person is unfulfilled in their relationship; they are unhappy. If a person is committed but the one they’re with is ONLY there, but not committed; they are unhappy. If a person is abused, ostracized, controlled (told what to do, how to do it, where to go, when you can go, who you can be around, etc); etc they are unhappy. If a person is being disrespected and mistreated in any form; they are unhappy. If a person gives all they have only to get NOTHING in return; they are unhappy. If you got into a relationship because you thought a baby would keep it together, but you found out you were wrong; you are unhappy. If you thought you could change him or her and found out it’s impossible, but now you’re stuck unhappily in a relationship; you’re unhappy. If you thought your love could save him or her, but you found out instead you’ve about lost your sanity and yourself in the process; you’re unhappy. If you got with them knowing they were with someone else and you found out sharing someone else’s man or woman isn’t right or easy; you’re unhappy. If a person has to walk on eggshells or are afraid of who they are with in any way, then they are unhappy. People who are unhappy in their relationships are people who are in unhealthy relationships.

I can go on for days, but I don’t have the time to do so. Individual’s must look beyond their feelings, because beyond their feelings lies the truth. See with your eyes wide open NOT wide shut. Meaning, see what is before you and not with your hearts. A person will show you EXACTLY what they think of you by the way they treat you. If you’re fine with being treated like poop, because you’re going off the feelings of your hearts, then you will be treated like poop!!!! You teach the person you’re with EXACTLY how to treat you! You are treated EXACTLY how you allow.

Too many people give the people they are with what they want, yet these people never get what they need in return from the people they are with. It doesn’t matter how much you love a person, if they don’t feel the same about you it WILL SHOW!!!! It will show in how they treat you; period! When a person is hell bent on loving a person who doesn’t truly love them in return, then what you get will be EXACTLY what you accepted and allowed. Stop being so fixated on how you feel about the other person that you are blind and start seeing and understanding what the other person feels for you.  It always shows in how you’re treated. It shows in how they speak to you, how they treat you when you’re in and out of their presence and in the presence of others. It’s shows in their faithfulness, loyalty, honesty, respect towards you (good or bad). It shows in willingness to effectively communicate with you. It shows in their willingness to share (giving and receiving) with you no matter what it is. It shows in their commitment to the relationship, and other things that are positive. In healthy and positive relationships people shouldn’t be strained, drained, or forced and it sure shouldn’t be one-sided.

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Should You Stay or Should You Go

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The decision lies with you, however you must be able to make it with a clear head. You must be able to deal with your situation without continuing to allow your heart to lead, this is the ONLY way you will make the right choice. Allowing your heart to lead got you where you’re at and dealing with what you’re dealing with.

Far too many people get into and stay into dysfunctional relationships. I’ve written many times about how people get into relationships for the wrong reasons and stay in them for all of the wrong reasons. Many people are too busy seeking love in all of the wrong ways and the wrong places. They lose focus trying to find something in others that they themselves don’t have. They are seeking love in others when they don’t love themselves. Some of you may not agree, but it’s true. When a person REALLY love his or herself, they will be careful the types of people they become involved with or allow into their lives. They will NOT allow anyone to treat them any ole kind of way.

People continue to get into bad relationships, relationships with clear signs the relationships are not good for them. Yet they continue on with these relationships because as I’ve always said, “they are allowing their hearts to lead.”

Do you stay in a relationship that has drained you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physical? If you’re at that point, I believe you’ve stayed too long.

Do you stay in a relationship where you’re constantly crying, sad, miserable, and lonely? If you do, you will stay that way until you either decide to work on it or you decide to move on. Remember, just because you want to work at it, doesn’t mean the person you’re with do. It won’t ever be a healthy relationship if you’re not on the same accord.

Do you stay in a relationship where you’re constantly disrespected and abused? I think NOT! This isn’t love. Too many people stay in these types of relationships until they get to a point where they’re too afraid to leave. If this is the case, YOU’VE STAYED TOO LONG. You should NEVER be afraid of the person you’re with. Unfortunately some never leave because they die in their unhealthy and abusive relationships.

Do you stay in a relationship where you’re constantly cheated on? You’re not the reason a cheater cheats. It doesn’t matter how you look, what you have, etc; a cheater will cheat. When a person is content with someone constantly cheating on them they’re a person with issues that has caused them to devalue his or herself. You’ve taught your significant other how to treat you. No matter how much you love someone it won’t make them love you, it won’t keep them with you, and it certainly won’t keep them from cheating.

Do you stay when there’s no affection between the two of you, you’re sleeping separate NOT because of health reasons but because your significant other doesn’t want to be near you, and they clearly don’t want to be with you? It’s unbelievable the amount of people who are in these types of relationships. They are basically roommates. This is very sad.

I can add many more scenario’s, but the bottom line of it all is to stay or leave is a decision ONLY you should make. I’ve written many posts saying that people treat you EXACTLY how you allow them too. If you let someone treat you any way they choose; then it’s EXACTLY what they will do. Point blank!!!

People need to get out of their feelings and face their situations with honesty and truth. Relationships normally end how they started, but oftentimes at the other end of the spectrum. For example if the relationship is built on sex, sex is the last thing either person will want. Unless a person has matured into a mature adult individuals will continue to get into relationships based on feelings of their hearts. These relationships are doomed from the start. These types of relationships either won’t last or will end up dysfunctional.

Despite of a person’s feelings towards his or her significant other, it takes both individuals to develop a healthy relationship. It doesn’t matter who it is; a person will or can ONLY do to you what you have allowed. If you allow a person to treat you bad for so long they will become inconsiderate and complacent. They will take you for granted. If it’s okay with you how you’re treated, then this is EXACTLY why you’re treated the way you are. If it’s okay with you, it’s okay with them. Everyone together isn’t meant to be together and many find themselves trying to make something work when it isn’t meant to be. Get out of your feelings and face the truth!

IN A RELATIONSHIP YET YOU’RE NOT COMMITTED

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This seems to be the way of the world today. There are many people in what’s supposed to be committed relationships, yet they display no signs of  commitment. Many of these people are in marriages.

I may not know your personal stories, but I know enough about  relationships to be able to address what I’m writing. People are getting into and staying in relationships for all of the wrong reasons. Where is the love? Love is the foundation whereas communication is the key. One can’t effectively coexist without the other.

This is why many marriages and relationships leading into marriage are falling by the wayside. People don’t know how to effectively and properly build relationships. I’ve written about this in earlier posts. As recent as this week I spoke to someone who is divorcing. She told me she thought she could change her husband of 4 years. She told me looking back she saw signs of it being bad, but she loved him and had hopes he would change. Guess what? He didn’t and four years later he still wasn’t committed to his wife or the relationship.

You can’t change a person who isn’t ready to change. A person may change for a moment to either get you or to shut you up, but it WILL NOT last if it’s not the truth. They will always go back to the person they really are.

How you start a relationship oftentimes will be a part of if not the reason it ends. If you go into a relationship allowing yourself to be disrespected and mistreated, it’s EXACTLY how you will continue to be treated. You’ve set the standards for how you’re treated. When you’re so willing to take any and everything, because you can’t see past your emotions, any and everything is exactly the dish you’ll be served.

Some people will NEVER learn. Why go further into something when there are signs all over the place showing it’s not good for you? You can’t change a person no matter how much you love them, no matter how good you treat them, etc. etc. You can’t change them unless they’re ready and willing to change.

Many in marital relationships are merely sharing a domain and that’s it. Some of these people don’t even like one another, yet they remain together while one or both are in relationships with people outside of their marriages. A lot of times one really wants the relationship and is often heartbroken; while their significant other cares less and are out doing whatever they want. They didn’t care less in the beginning, but it was ignored. A zebra doesn’t change stripes, the signs are always there.

Too many people want it all. They get into relationships while having someone on the side. They claim unhappiness and everything else, yet many remain in their relationships, while getting involved and pulling someone else into their drama.

Grow up! Most are over grown (of age) but they conduct themselves as immature individuals who don’t have a clue as to what they really want. Before these types of people get into relationships they need to get themselves together. Whoever accept these individuals need to know they have issues with some forms of insecurities. You can’t blame the other person, you must take responsibility for the decisions you make. Stop allowing your emotions to set you up for a big fall. It’s not love that’s blind at all, it’s individuals who are blind by emotions (NOT love).

If you can’t commit then you should omit the thought of getting into a relationship until you know you are ready. It will save you and your significant other a lot of heartache and headache later down the road.

SEEING THE TRUTH BEYOND YOUR DESIRES

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I guess you’re wondering what the title means? I know I’ve gone over this many times and because I continue to hear of foolishness people do or continue to deal with; I wanted to revisit this subject. I’ve always said and will continue to say a person will treat you exactly how you allow. You teach a person exactly how to treat you. If you freely take it they will dish it out (no matter what it is).

If people would only consider what I’m writing it could change someone’s life. The only reason it won’t is because a person doesn’t want to give up what they THINK they have or give up what they THINK is a good thing. It’s not, but they can’t see past the fog.

People can’t see past the fog, because they’re allowing what they’re feeling to lead and control their actions. What I mean is this; people are going strictly off of their distorted thoughts and feelings. They act or re-act solely to these things. The reason people are in this distorted mode of thinking is because of who they really are; which lies inside of us all and always shows through our actions.

The junk inside is why they act the way they do. It is why people hold on to significant others who have let them go. It’s why people hold on to significant others who abuse them. It is why people hold on to significant others who are messed up, but they’re trying to save and oftentimes end up losing control of themselves in the midst of it all. It is why people take, take, and take from others only to be defeated, cheated, and mistreated. It is why people hold on to significant others who willfully bring nothing to their relationships (only sex), often they don’t contribute in any other way. It is why people would rather be with some man or woman rather than no one at all.

I can go on and on, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say. You must look past the fog. The truths of other people most times are presented to us, but if we’re in bad places in our lives we miss the truth staring us in the face. It happens because most people are messed up inside and the truth of the matter is they’re so focused on trying to find happiness they can’t see past the fog. It’s about receiving the feelings of love they’re seeking. People put themselves through foolishness, torture, unforgiveable situations in order to receive something they desire (love). Again, when people endure these types of things it’s because they are messed up inside and instead of going off of the truth they are caught up by their own misguided and messed up emotions.

Our emotions come from the thoughts we have about things. You think about it and then you feel something behind the thought/thoughts. Then; next follows the action or reactions to those thoughts and feelings. Most people don’t understand this is what’s going on, because they’re only focused on seeking the gratification they desire and they will endure anything to get it. The ONLY problem here is they’re NOT receiving what they truly desire, but they can’t see this truth, because they can’t see past the desires of their hearts. Unfortunately this leads to undesirable and oftentimes tragic endings.

There’s no way a person can have and hold a healthy relationship or even choose the person best for them when they’re all messed up inside. Who they are is someone they’re always trying to either hide or not face at all. People don’t want to show the ugliness inside. They don’t want to show how vulnerable they are. They don’t want to show how sad, lonely, and confused they are. They don’t want to show the truth for fear of what others will think. Instead without realizing it, the truth of who people really are always seeps out and shows in the decisions they make and the actions they take.

AVOID THE CHEATER

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Okay, this is for both ladies and gents. You’ve been told they’re in a relationship, so what should you do? I think you should RUN! Game over! If you decide to stay you need to stop and re-evaluate who you are as a person. As I mentioned in an earlier post, a cheater is disrespecting you, who they’re with, and his or her self. Why would you continue to move on with this type of relationship? It shows a lack of self respect. I don’t care what reason a person gives for staying in the other relationship. It doesn’t matter! It’s off limits.

I’ve sat across from too many people who subject themselves to this type of situation. People get involved with those who are already in relationships; yet feel heart broken when they can’t get out of it what they want. You get exactly what you signed up for. You want to complain and give ultimatum’s. You have no right to do either. You knew the situation before you made the decision to continue with it.

Granted some people don’t know the other person is already in a relationship, because they lie. However, if you take heed to the signs that are present, I’m sure you could figure out something is going on. A person who’s taken can’t always be available and they have certain ways of doing things to try an prevent getting caught. They make excuses for everything. They use their moms, kids, other family members, the jobs, friends, or something for why they can’t be with you. They make excuses when they’re on the phone. Some will be cheating and talking to their significant other while they’re with the person they’re cheating with. If you think it’s okay, something is seriously wrong. A person who accepts this has no self esteem and insecurities they need to deal with. As long as this type of person gives the cheater their power, it will be taken.

Figure out why you feel you’re unworthy of someone who can love you, be honest with you, and be loyal to you. Learn how to love yourself in such a way that you won’t ever allow anyone to disrespect you this way again. If they are cheating with you, it means they will cheat on you, just as they cheat on their significant other. Cheaters have issues and it’s why they cheat. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with their significant others; it’s all about who a cheater is as a person.

I don’t care if they’re not married. It matters if they’re in a relationship with someone else. The bottom line is; he or she are already in a relationship. Case closed! How do you think relationships blossom into marriage or serious relationships? They start by being in a relationship with someone. So if the couple isn’t married, simply being in a relationship together matters. So please don’t get into a relationship with anyone who is already in one with someone else. I don’t care what they have to offer you, don’t do it.

Learn how to love yourself. Develop your confidence and self esteem. Face whatever insecurities you’re dealing with. Most times the insecurities evolve around unresolved past issues. Many people with unresolved past issues normally make bad life decisions especially when it comes to relationships. People treat you exactly how you allow them to treat you. Some people prey on the weaknesses of others. If you settle for trash, trash is what you’ll get. Don’t be fooled by what’s presented to you. Face the truth! When someone you’re interested is taken you should not become involved with this individual. You can definitely control it by avoiding it. If you dabble with it in your mind you’re only keeping it going in your mind. This can be avoided if you do the right thing; which is to avoid it and put if from your mind. You deserve better!

People could save themselves so much drama if they would stop going off of what they feel with their hearts and think of the entire picture (using their brains). It may feel good, but a situation such as this is never good. Anytime you cheat with someone who’s already in a relationship you’re wrong, wrong, wrong. Think about how you would feel if it happened to you. You wouldn’t like it. Treat people how you would like to be treated. You deserve better, but if you settle and allow any ole thing into your life, it is exactly what you will get. You can’t be mad at no one but yourself.

RED FLAGS IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Many get into new relationships feeling solely with their hearts. Love isn’t blind, people are and because of it many willfully get into bad relationships that often leave them in places they never imagined and sometimes it means; dead. When an individual get into a new relationship, it’s imperative they look at the whole picture and not simply what’s on the surface. Feeling solely with the heart is never good. When people do this they miss or completely ignore the signs staring them right in their faces. We all have missed the signs at some point in life due to immaturity. I’ve always said, maturity doesn’t automatically comes with age. Unfortunate, but true! Stop making excuses for bad decisions and figure out why you make them over and over. As you continue to read, I pray you can take something away from what’s written.

THE FIRST MEETING
This is where it all goes wrong. Why you may ask? It’s because this is where the focus is lost. People lose focus (some never had it in the first place) when money, status, title, looks, sex, or material things comes into play. Yes sex; some people go at it right away. RED FLAG. It’s a red flag, because in 2014 some people actually still have sex on their first meeting. This is a clear indication there’s something wrong with both individuals. Some people use what they have (looks, title, sex, status, money) to drawn others in. When people do this, it means something is wrong with them. None of it will last (money may, but then again it may not). One thing for sure is it can’t EVER buy love, it can buy the person, but NEVER love. People come in different cultures, shapes, sizes, and genders, and populations and they have looks, titles, status, money, and good sex. Nothing a person has tells who they are upon meeting them. If an individual doesn’t know who they are as a person, how can they figure out anyone else? They can’t and this is where it goes wrong.

ARE THEY ALREADY INVOLVED

Is the person you’re attracted to and want to know better already in a relationship? If so, RED FLAG! This clearly tells you major information about the other person. Some of these people will swear they’re good people and they may be on the norm, but the bottom line is they aren’t in this particular situation. If a person cheats with you, they will cheat on you. Too many continue on with these relationships, setting themselves up for heartache and pain. A man or woman who is already in a relationship yet trying to get with you is a form of disrespect all around. They have no respect for self, their significant other, or you. They make you feel special or honored that they want to get with you. It’s total bull. Stop falling for it. This has red flags all over it. Anyone who goes along with it, it tells you something about yourself. You have securities you need to deal with that make you sale yourself short. You will find you’re simply not that special. The person will cheat on you too! This causes unnecessary drama in the life of anyone who goes along with starting a relationship with someone who’s already involved. A cheater no matter how good he treats you is a player, bottom line. If you accept a player expect to be played. Don’t do it!

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THEM

Outside of already being in a relationship there are so many other things that could be going on. I will try to name a few below:

Pedophiles present themselves to women everyday and women are accepting them into their lives and the lives of their children. Many children are abused by these types of people while the women willfully allow it. It’s tragic, but it’s the truth. If you don’t believe it, research it yourself. I don’t know what women or men think when they get with these types of individuals. “A zebra doesn’t change its stripes.” You know why individuals get with these types of people? It’s because they have issues themselves. Children have no say or control over what their parents do. It’s not fair to children who have to deal with the mistakes of their parents, by having to be raped or molested by pedophiles brought into their lives by their messed up parent/s. Too many women know this up front, but they’re blind by their way of thinking.

Physical, Verbal, Mental, Emotional Abusers are people with their many issues. These types of individuals don’t face their issues, instead they take them into the lives of others. Those who get involved with these types of people know through signs something is wrong, but again they are being lead by their hearts. It’s not cute to be playfully slapped or called names. Some individuals get involve with others who immediately show signs of this, because it’s all they know and are accustomed too. RED FLAGS! During dating, NEVER settle for any form of abuse. Walk away while you can. Too many are trapped because they choose to follow their hearts and didn’t accept the truth staring them in their faces in the very beginning. When the abuse escalates later, it is absolutely no coincidence. People want to make excuses for not seeing the signs, but the signs are always present in some way whether subtle or not.

Do they contribute too or take away from the relationship? If they can’t or won’t contribute; please tell me what is the point? There isn’t any! Too many people get with individuals who are slothful and have no ambition or drive of any sorts, because of good looks. We all want someone attractive, but if all you’re going by is physical attraction, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU! People are attracted to others for many reasons other than physical. There is nothing wrong with having someone good looking, but if that’s all they have; BYE! So many go wrong here; they’re allowing their hearts to lead. Some of you see someone good looking and you lose focus. If you lose focus, baby you lose control! The good looking person you’re so into could have a disease or could be a complete lunatic. You ever heard “everything glitters isn’t gold.” Trust me; it isn’t! If you’re the type to go for this, RED FLAG! Something is wrong with you and therefore you need to figure it out! Stop being desperate, because desperate people are treated exactly how they act.

Do they practice a sexual behavior different from your preference? If they do RED FLAG! Do not go any further into the relationship. If you’re a woman who gets with a man who also like men, do you think you’re it for him? If you’re a man who gets with a woman and she likes other women, do you think you’re it for her? YOU’RE NOT and it’s foolish for you to think so. You think what you have or how you can lay down the sex means you will change the other person. YOU’RE DREAMING! What the other likes will eventually surface in your relationship and slap you right in your face. It will not be a coincidence. Know your limitations and boundaries and stand firmly on them. No one is worth you doing something you don’t want in the name of what you think is love. It’s NOT LOVE!

Are they into substance abuse? If you know they are, please don’t falsely think that you can save them, because you can’t. What normally happens is you’re pulled into their world. Are you willing to risk it? THINK ABOUT THIS; if this person means you any good, they wouldn’t try to coerce you into their world. I don’t care what they do or say when they’re sober, you can’t fix them. Those who get involved with substance abusers often lose themselves in the midst of their fight to save the other person. The only person you can save is you! “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” A person can love you and change for a brief moment to get you, but they will ALMOST ALWAYS revert back to their old ways, because they didn’t change for themselves. A person has to change because they want too and not for anyone else in order for it to be lasting change. You can support them, but please allow these types of people to get help and come out of their addictions, before you go falling all in love. You will wish you had!!!

There are always signs and these signs indicates controlling, abusive, possessive, or obsessive behaviors, but individuals choose to over look the signs. Choosing to continue in relationships with any of the types of people listed above is a mistake. You will always get exactly what you allow and accept. People make terrible decisions in thinking they can change the person. No vagina or penis is magical. Individuals only have a distorted way of thinking due to issues they have; which contributes to their decisions. No one can change someone else. You can’t save another person. You can’t figure out someone when you don’t know yourself. People constantly pack junk on top of junk and end up with a complete mess!!

Work on yourself and figure out why you do what you, why you allow what you allow, why you accept what you accept into your life. People do it most likely because they’re holding on to something they can’t do anything about (issues of the past). A person’s past will mess them up if allowed. It will keep them stuck and repeating the same cycle over and over. Actually it’s not their past it’s their way of thinking of memories of their pasts. Dealing with and changing the way you think will change your feelings, behaviors, and lives. It’s guaranteed!! You will make better decisions about everything and you will see the signs that are in your face. You will love you and know that you deserve better. You will walk away from things that aren’t good for you.