If this touches home for you, before you read any further stop and think to yourself “why do you stay.” It’s not all about the abuser, it has a lot to do with you. There are some things inside of you that holds you captive. You have a lot of issues inside that haven’t been dealt with. Anyone can avoid this type of situation by not getting involved with this type of person from the start. I really understand that many people don’t have the maturity or understanding to see the signs. They’re completely focused on loving the abuser until they’ve lost focus on what is truly going on.
Let’s start from the beginning of the relationship. I mentioned red flags earlier in posts, however this time I will talk a little more in depth about it. You meet the abuser, but you don’t know right away they’re an abuser. You decide to become involved with this person. Most times people will put on a front and only show you what they want you to see. However, regardless of this fact, IF you accept the signs around you, the truth will eventually show. It never fails. Individuals always say after the relationship is beyond repair; that they actually saw signs early on. Why is it this way? I will tell you; it’s because signs always present at some point subtle or not. An abuser has aggression and anger issues. Many of these people prey on the weaknesses of others. They abuse people who allow it. They’re weak people who normally won’t treat other people this way, because others won’t allow it. Some of them use their anger issues to be bullies, they like to see people afraid of them. They think they’re tough, but in reality they’re weak.
Many of them will woo and coo you until they get you. They will say and do what you want until they get you to a place where they feel you’re into them. Once they do they then begin to show signs here and there of who they REALLY are. The signs may include; They may be controlling (telling you what to wear, what you can and cannot do, who you can be around, who you can talk to etc.etc). They may be obsessive and possessive (isolating you from your family and friends, everything you do they have to be with you or have to know where you are or what you’ve done, they may want to be in charge, they treat you like you’re a child).
Both women and men who are dealing with a lot of insecurities for whatever reason falls prey to abusers. Many individuals who fall for abusers are desperate for love, lonely, dependent, depressed, no or low esteem, and all kinds of other things going on. The abuser comes along; they know you’re vulnerable and wanting to be loved. They ease into your life and before you know it you’re in an unhealthy relationship. When a person is controlling, demanding, obsessive, or possessive none of it has to do with love. It’s a distorted way of thinking about love. LOVE isn’t any of those things. Love is kind, gentle, giving, caring, sharing, etc. If someone is trying to control your life in any of the ways listed or other ways, please don’t think it’s because they’re a protector and they love you so much. It’s because they’re trying to drain you of your power.
Abusers are people with many issues as well. Something has happened in the life of abusers to have caused them to be they way they are. As mentioned in a previous post, it’s almost always related to unresolved past issues. Abusers are also seeking someone to love. They too have a distorted way of thinking and normally have gone through a lot of failed relationships. In relationships they could very well show their hand outright, but will apologize for any inappropriateness. They will say how sorry they are and they will do it in such a believable way individuals in relationships with abusers will fall for it. This is because these individuals are so eager to be loved, they want to believe the abuser. Sorry is one of their most favorite words to say.
Abusers are smooth talkers, they know exactly what to do and say to get who they want. Some are in powerful positions and others aren’t. Some have a lot of money and things to offer and others do not. They come in all shapes, sizes, races, and genders. Bottom line their intentions are all the same; which is to manipulate and deceive. Most time others who are around them for whatever reason never know they’re this way until the abuse is made public. People then can’t believe what they have heard.
A lot of individuals in relationships with abusers end up trapped (so they think in their minds). They are fearful of what the abuser will do to them if they fight back, tell, or leave. They threaten to harm children, family, and friends. Unfortunately many have followed through with the threats. Fearful is exactly how abusers want their significant others to feel. He or she wants the individual to feel helpless, dependent on them, hopeless. Most times the abuser will tell the individual no one else wants them. Abusers drain the little self esteem the individuals involved with them may have had (which normally isn’t much if any). This isn’t love.
Anytime you’re in a relationship, I don’t care what a person have or who they are. If they verbally abuse you it’s possible it will lead to physical abuse and even if it doesn’t you don’t need to be in a relationship with anyone who is doing this. You don’t need anyone in your life breaking you down. If they slap, smack, tap, push, spit on, bite, head-butt, rape, restrain in a way to hold you captive, or anything remotely similar you need to GET OUT! Get out before the relationship goes any further. If you’ve married the abuser SEEK HELP!
DO NOT ever give your power to anyone under any circumstance. It’s not love to allow someone to abuse you. You ALWAYS have a CHOICE to get out. Stop believing you’re trapped YOU’RE NOT! Stop allowing fear to keep you in an unhealthy relationship. I’ve heard story after story of individual’s dying at the hands of their abuser (the person who supposedly loved them). This NEVER has to happen, because individuals can get out at the first sign. I don’t care how subtle or how much an abuser apologizes. I don’t care how much snot they sling or tears they shed; DO NOT feel sorry for them or give in. Get out, get out, get out! Tell someone, seek help somewhere, but get out. If you don’t you may die in that unhealthy relationship at the hands of your abuser OR you could be so broken down you want to take your own life. Some people have committed suicide because they felt it was there only way out. This isn’t true.
PLEASE DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. YOU GET OUT!
Below are two poems among many of the poems I’ve published. They are copy written and published in a book. The poems I write are reality based and sometimes they are a bit graphic. I wrote them after tragedies struck people I knew. One concerns a guy who was a soldier in the Army as a mental health professional who end up killing his wife. I’ve known several cases such as this. It’s not me simply writing about it. It’s real and it’s happening every day. PLEASE TAKE HEED TO THIS!
Why Some Abused Women Stay
Confused, abused, can’t hardly see
Tainted, damaged, and lost as can be
In their minds they’re nothing at all
Don’t think they can survive lest they fall
For the sake of the children, they don’t know what to do
Having no money at all to carry them through
No education or skills to go to work
That is one reason why they stay with the jerk
Their parents, his parents is why some stay
Too afraid of what they will have to say
Threats on their lives and their families too
Afraid of him doing what he says that he’ll do
Scared that starting over will be tough as can be
Many stay out of that false sense of security
Because of his status people will not believe
Of all the abuse that they often receive
Being told that no one else will want them again
Since they’re not as attractive as they once had been
Manipulated by him to always have it his way
These too are reasons that some women stay
No esteem or faith that they need to get out
Instead in themselves they continue to doubt
Co-dependent with no courage to take a stand
Are other reasons they stay with that abusive man
Flowers for Me
The guy that I loved was a very violent man
His last attack on me my body couldn’t withstand
I stayed too long and now it is too late
Take heed anyone who can possibly relate
I didn’t want to go, but I had no choice
Don’t be sad at my funeral instead rejoice
I was punched, choked, and even knocked out
Being threatened by him if I screamed or shout
Fearing the worst on this day I begged for my life
Ignoring all of my pleas he pulled out a knife
Sticking and slicing as I fell with a plop
Blood pouring everywhere as if never to stop
Out of all the beatings this was the worst attack
I should have left long ago never looking back
The ambulance came for me on this day
Then the Paramedic called me in D.O.A
It was a shock to everyone that knew of me
Since I told no one of all the beatings you see
I’ve never gotten flowers before
Today I got roses, carnations, and more
So many flowers arranged beautifully
Not for my eyes, but for others to see
Guess what? I even got tulips too
And a beautiful guestbook signed for me by you
First time in my life I got flowers today
And so many gathered around in dismay
To say their goodbyes and farewells too
I hope this tragedy never happens to you
If you find yourself in a relationship like mine
Get out now! Before you run out of time