Loving to the Point of Losing Yourself

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Some people may not admit it, but I know a lot of people find themselves in this type of situation. It is unhealthy! If you lose yourself in someone the only reason a person does this is because they’ve never really found self. People who don’t know the difference between wants and needs are people who don’t know what’s right for them. Oftentimes they are people who don’t understand what love is and what it isn’t. They seek love in all the wrong ways, with all the wrong people, and wrong the places. They end up in unhealthy and sometimes downright dangerous relationships.

I’ve met a tremendous amount of people who have told me they were deep into their significant other until they lost sight of who they were. Some went off into the deep end doing things they never wanted to do and acting ways out of the norm only to appease their significant other. Many people get lost trying to save or fix their significant others. If you’re trying to save or fix someone then it’s obvious you have things to work out within yourself.

Many individuals give up their hopes and dreams to help their significant others to obtain theirs. Nothing is wrong with supporting your significant other, but you should never give up your dreams to do so. There are many people who end up separating after their significant others has obtained their goals and the person left behind feels lost and brokenhearted. It’s what you signed up for, because you can change your situation anytime you choose!

I’ve written and said many times a person can definitely lose self trying to be in an unhealthy relationship with someone else. There are many people who seek love from others, yet they don’t love self. What sense does that make? They look pass all the signs of potential problems because they are led by their feelings and emotions. They are dead set on trying to fix or save the one they are with. People have lost their sanity and health trying to make it work with toxic and broken individuals. It compiles their own problems with the problems of their significant other. If you find yourself in this type of relationship re-examine yourself by looking inward to figure out why you’re putting yourself through it. You can’t fix or save anyone, especially if they’re not ready to change!

A person who loves self will not tolerate any unnecessary chaos or discord in their lives. They love self enough to walk away from people who bring toxicity and negativity their way. They look past looks, material things, statuses, etc. They understand a peaceful mind is priceless! They aren’t trying to save, fix, teach, or raise no adult! People will be treated how allowed. If you take crap, crap is what you will get! Period!

You can’t make a person want to change no matter how much you love them. People have to want to change their negative states of mind. They must want to become better individuals NOT because of you, but because it’s what they need in their life with or without you! Individual’s who change for other people will most likely revert back to who they really are once they’ve gotten comfortable enough in the relationship. The signs will be present, but unfortunately the person who is busy and fixated on trying to save or fix misses the signs until they become drained and overwhelmed with it all.

The greatest teacher in my life has been experience. Ooooweee! There are some things I am so thankful I went through, because it taught me never EVER do it again. I learn from everything. I know a lot of people don’t, they keep going through the same things with the same types of people. It’s because they aren’t ready to change. You need to change from the person who is always trying to fix and save just as much as the person you’re trying to save or fix. If not you will always continue to have chaos in your life and relationships!

When you continue to accept discord and chaos stop pointing the finger. The other person may very well be a part of the problem, but you’re the biggest problem, because no one can dictate your life unless you allow. If you allow chaos and discord, guess what? You will get it! Don’t allow anyone to cause you to stress out to the point of losing your mind and health. People end up on psychotropic medications due to stress, anxiety, depression, fear, hopelessness, etc, etc. This happens because people lose self in trying to love someone healthy. You can’t do it anyways, but especially when you’re in an unhealthy state of mind yourself. People must want to change, be willing to change, and put in the time and effort to do so! You can’t do it for them no matter how much you love them.

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You Signed Up For It

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Many people are okay with their significant others cheating as long as they come home. Bull crap and they must be nuts!! Some people take this stance when it comes to their significant others and I think it’s absolutely stupid. This shows signs of desperation and insecurities.  As long as the green light is green and you are okay with it, they will proceed.

I understand loving someone and being in love with that person, however if they are trying to “have their cake and eat it too”, there’s a problem. Too many people settle with cheating. If you’re a person who is okay with being cheated on then something is wrong with you! A person will do to you whatever you take and allow.

Some people are okay with it, because they don’t want to start over, be alone, or lose their benefits (money, material things, place to stay, etc). Benefits for some is sex, shallow, but true! Starting over is tough, but it’s not the end of the world. If you can’t be alone with yourself, it indicates you don’t love yourself for some reason/s. Individual’s such as this need to deal with their own issues (first). If you have your own you wouldn’t have to worry about losing what someone else has afforded you.

I’m not suggesting to anyone to leave their relationships, what I am trying to relay is if you act as if being cheated on is okay, this attitude does nothing to help your situation. If you’re a person who is okay with it, then it CLEARLY says something is wrong with you. No woman or man should be okay with it. When I hear people say I’m okay as long as he/she comes home. I literally want to shake some sense into their heads.

If you truly love someone and are in love with that individual, there’s no way on earth you’re okay with them sleeping with or being with someone else. You can say it all day, but in your heart, you know it’s a lie. People say it’s okay, because they know their significant others will do it regardless, because it’s the foundation they have built in their relationships.

People don’t wake up and decide to cheat, they were already cheating in some capacity. There are far too many who allow this behavior from the start. In my opinion you nip it in the bud from the gate! People cheat not because they hate who they are with, but because of what’s inside of them individually. They are led by the dark part of who they are. They have issues they need to deal with within themselves. They tell whoever they are with they love them, however; truth is they don’t know what love is. If they did they certainly wouldn’t cheat on their significant others. It’s not about being in love, it’s about self gratification and seeking something outside of what they already have; despite the risks.

Synopsis of Cheaters and Those who accept it

If you accept a cheater then you’re just as messed up as the cheater. Something is wrong with both of these types of individuals. Many people get into relationships with those who are already in relationships with other people, SOMETHING IS WRONG with anyone who does this!  Trust me, the very thing that made you smile will make you cry later.

Some men and women leave their significant others for the OTHER  person ONLY to cheat on the OTHER person as well who by the way acts surprised when they are being cheated on (really)!! It’s EXACTLY what was signed up for by you!

If from the start you continued in a relationship with someone who was cheating on you, then you knew what you were signing up for.

If you are okay with your significant other being in a commitment, but not committed, then you will get from him or her exactly what you signed up for.

The moral of this post is as I’ve written and stated many times; people do to you what you allow and what you accept. If you don’t value and respect yourselves then don’t expect for anyone else to. Wake up people and see the truth. Most people cause their own heartaches and headaches by signing up for bull crap! If you’re led by what you’re feeling and not looking at the big picture, you will suffer the consequences of your actions. Everything that looks, tastes, or feel good isn’t always good for you. If it belongs to someone else, then it doesn’t belong to you and you shouldn’t want or desire it! If you do then you need to look at the man or woman in the mirror and deal with him or her, because something is wrong!

Do You Even Know What You Need

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Something I think is so ridiculous is statuses I see on social media of “it’s complicated” when people are referring to their relationships. This is where people should get the “big picture” but unfortunately many don’t, many haven’t, and many won’t. If you’re in a relationship and you’re not married, but you’re having all sorts of problems; before you jump off into the deep end IF “it’s complicated” you should re-think what you’re involved in.

Far too many people get deeper involved in relationships that are already complicated. People; if it’s complicated at the beginning it’s bound to be complicated throughout. One of the biggest problems in relationships is the fact individuals think they can change who they are with. You can’t! I don’t care how much you love them, you can’t change them. People sacrifice so much in hopes of the ones they’re with will change. Stop believing you have it locked down so tight with the person you’re with that he or she will change for you. How you accepted them is how they will be unless they choose to change.

When individuals get into relationships and put all they can into loving the person they’re with and trying to get them to love them back this is a problem from the start. Why? It’s a problem, because if you have to drain yourself in order to show someone you love them and bend over backwards trying to make them love you, this isn’t love at all. You’re an individual who clearly have issues. Stop trying to force yourself into the lives of other people. If a person loves you then they will show it naturally without you having to do things you wouldn’t normally do to receive their love.

Sometimes people sell their souls trying to make someone love them. They try buying the person’s love, some go as far as trying to cast spells etc,  some perform sexual acts they normally wouldn’t partake in,  they agree to do things they don’t feel comfortable with, and some do other ridiculous things they wouldn’t normally do trying to impress and please the person they want to be with. This isn’t love, but it sure is a complicated mess!

People get into relationships knowing it’s a bunch of mess and drama, but they try their best to make it work. If you have to work at it in this way, then maybe it’s not for you. Everything that feels good and looks good sure isn’t good for you.

Other than God and His Son Jesus (I will always say that, because that’s where my faith lies, I’m not trying to push it on you, but I’m telling you where I stand); you should love you before any other human. As humans most are so eager for love until they lose focus of what they need. They’re too caught up in want they want. This is why so many relationships aren’t healthy ones. Once people learn it’s better to have what you need rather than to have what you want when it comes to relationships; their lives will be better. You can build strong foundations and healthy relationships by having what you need. Building a relationship on what you want only leads to things being complicated and therefore unhealthy relationships. In those types of relationships people are left hurt, lost, confused, regretful, sad, lonely, and brokenhearted all because they went after and got just what they thought they wanted.

After going through unnecessary struggles and dramas some people finally figure out what they wanted wasn’t good for them. Unfortunately many others never got to get to this point because they lost their lives in the midst of their complicated relationships Why? It’s because people miss the truth, because they’re blind by their feelings and emotions. They go goo goo over things they want; which are those things that aren’t what they need to build good strong healthy relationships. The material things a person has to offer, their looks, sex, their status, etc. etc will never be what it takes to build a healthy and strong relationship. A solid relationship takes the ability to communicate effectively (to figure out if you’re evenly yoked), knowing who you are with (their likes, dislikes, etc), and real love to keep it together. If you have to force it, stress, fight, etc, it’s not love; you’re going off of what you want and certainly not what you need.

AFRAID TO BE ALONE, AFRAID TO START OVER

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Many in this world are in dead end relationships, but one or both are afraid to move on out of fear of being alone and/or fear of starting over. Sadly the truth is, although in a relationship, you’re still very much alone. However, you don’t understand this truth because to you although you’ve cried yourself to sleep on many occasions, you still feel some type of security, because he/she are still around. There may be many times you don’t see him or her, but because you know they will eventually come home you still have a sense of security.

Fear of being alone or starting over keeps many people in unhappy relationships. Many of you would rather know your significant other will eventually come home versus being completely alone. You’ve invested so much into the other person, but nothing in yourself and now you realize you’ve made it hard for yourself. Now you feel you have to remain in a loveless relationship for purposes of security.

For many it’s tough to be alone, but in honesty this can be a great time to grow and develop. If you base your life on your significant other you’re the type of person who makes life harder than it has to be. Loving someone and being in love is all good, but it’s complete hell when you’re in love by yourself. It’s hell when you’re with someone yet you feel completely alone. People who do this are individuals who need to really get to know who they are and what they need.

To be co-dependent on someone else gives that person power over you. You realize how powerless you’ve become when there’s no longer interaction between you and the person you’re with. You become overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness. Sadness fills your heart on many days. This is because you have no peace. You don’t completely love yourself and now the person you loved no longer loves you.

Many continue to stay out of a sense of security. They feel because they have a roof over their heads, clothes, and food to eat all is well. This is furthest from the truth. When you’re dependent on someone else for your basic needs it’s frightening to think of losing that sense of security.

Fear keeps many in places they don’t necessarily want to be. This clearly shows you’ve given your power to someone else. You watch that person move around you, but you’re not a part of that motion. You’re lonely when you have someone right there. You know your relationship is at a dead end, but fear keeps you stuck.

It’s not really about the other individual, it’s about you. You must focus on you. Learn to love yourself. Learn about you! You have to regain confidence and esteem in order to discover what is best for you. It’s okay to be afraid, but it’s not okay to stay that way! Put one step in front of the other and get on with your life.

IN A RELATIONSHIP YET YOU’RE NOT COMMITTED

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This seems to be the way of the world today. There are many people in what’s supposed to be committed relationships, yet they display no signs of  commitment. Many of these people are in marriages.

I may not know your personal stories, but I know enough about  relationships to be able to address what I’m writing. People are getting into and staying in relationships for all of the wrong reasons. Where is the love? Love is the foundation whereas communication is the key. One can’t effectively coexist without the other.

This is why many marriages and relationships leading into marriage are falling by the wayside. People don’t know how to effectively and properly build relationships. I’ve written about this in earlier posts. As recent as this week I spoke to someone who is divorcing. She told me she thought she could change her husband of 4 years. She told me looking back she saw signs of it being bad, but she loved him and had hopes he would change. Guess what? He didn’t and four years later he still wasn’t committed to his wife or the relationship.

You can’t change a person who isn’t ready to change. A person may change for a moment to either get you or to shut you up, but it WILL NOT last if it’s not the truth. They will always go back to the person they really are.

How you start a relationship oftentimes will be a part of if not the reason it ends. If you go into a relationship allowing yourself to be disrespected and mistreated, it’s EXACTLY how you will continue to be treated. You’ve set the standards for how you’re treated. When you’re so willing to take any and everything, because you can’t see past your emotions, any and everything is exactly the dish you’ll be served.

Some people will NEVER learn. Why go further into something when there are signs all over the place showing it’s not good for you? You can’t change a person no matter how much you love them, no matter how good you treat them, etc. etc. You can’t change them unless they’re ready and willing to change.

Many in marital relationships are merely sharing a domain and that’s it. Some of these people don’t even like one another, yet they remain together while one or both are in relationships with people outside of their marriages. A lot of times one really wants the relationship and is often heartbroken; while their significant other cares less and are out doing whatever they want. They didn’t care less in the beginning, but it was ignored. A zebra doesn’t change stripes, the signs are always there.

Too many people want it all. They get into relationships while having someone on the side. They claim unhappiness and everything else, yet many remain in their relationships, while getting involved and pulling someone else into their drama.

Grow up! Most are over grown (of age) but they conduct themselves as immature individuals who don’t have a clue as to what they really want. Before these types of people get into relationships they need to get themselves together. Whoever accept these individuals need to know they have issues with some forms of insecurities. You can’t blame the other person, you must take responsibility for the decisions you make. Stop allowing your emotions to set you up for a big fall. It’s not love that’s blind at all, it’s individuals who are blind by emotions (NOT love).

If you can’t commit then you should omit the thought of getting into a relationship until you know you are ready. It will save you and your significant other a lot of heartache and headache later down the road.

SEEING THE TRUTH BEYOND YOUR DESIRES

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I guess you’re wondering what the title means? I know I’ve gone over this many times and because I continue to hear of foolishness people do or continue to deal with; I wanted to revisit this subject. I’ve always said and will continue to say a person will treat you exactly how you allow. You teach a person exactly how to treat you. If you freely take it they will dish it out (no matter what it is).

If people would only consider what I’m writing it could change someone’s life. The only reason it won’t is because a person doesn’t want to give up what they THINK they have or give up what they THINK is a good thing. It’s not, but they can’t see past the fog.

People can’t see past the fog, because they’re allowing what they’re feeling to lead and control their actions. What I mean is this; people are going strictly off of their distorted thoughts and feelings. They act or re-act solely to these things. The reason people are in this distorted mode of thinking is because of who they really are; which lies inside of us all and always shows through our actions.

The junk inside is why they act the way they do. It is why people hold on to significant others who have let them go. It’s why people hold on to significant others who abuse them. It is why people hold on to significant others who are messed up, but they’re trying to save and oftentimes end up losing control of themselves in the midst of it all. It is why people take, take, and take from others only to be defeated, cheated, and mistreated. It is why people hold on to significant others who willfully bring nothing to their relationships (only sex), often they don’t contribute in any other way. It is why people would rather be with some man or woman rather than no one at all.

I can go on and on, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say. You must look past the fog. The truths of other people most times are presented to us, but if we’re in bad places in our lives we miss the truth staring us in the face. It happens because most people are messed up inside and the truth of the matter is they’re so focused on trying to find happiness they can’t see past the fog. It’s about receiving the feelings of love they’re seeking. People put themselves through foolishness, torture, unforgiveable situations in order to receive something they desire (love). Again, when people endure these types of things it’s because they are messed up inside and instead of going off of the truth they are caught up by their own misguided and messed up emotions.

Our emotions come from the thoughts we have about things. You think about it and then you feel something behind the thought/thoughts. Then; next follows the action or reactions to those thoughts and feelings. Most people don’t understand this is what’s going on, because they’re only focused on seeking the gratification they desire and they will endure anything to get it. The ONLY problem here is they’re NOT receiving what they truly desire, but they can’t see this truth, because they can’t see past the desires of their hearts. Unfortunately this leads to undesirable and oftentimes tragic endings.

There’s no way a person can have and hold a healthy relationship or even choose the person best for them when they’re all messed up inside. Who they are is someone they’re always trying to either hide or not face at all. People don’t want to show the ugliness inside. They don’t want to show how vulnerable they are. They don’t want to show how sad, lonely, and confused they are. They don’t want to show the truth for fear of what others will think. Instead without realizing it, the truth of who people really are always seeps out and shows in the decisions they make and the actions they take.

YOU’VE HEARD IT TIME AND TIME AGAIN

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I found someone I know well in a dilemma that she willfully put herself in. It made me want to write about it and other things people are constantly doing, despite of the drama it causes. Many of the posts I have written are related in some sense or another. It’s because I’m trying to encourage, empower, motivate, or provide some type of knowledge. I talk relentlessly about things, but I realize no matter how much I write about it, many will not get it and many will not care or change their ways.

This is to my sister’s of all nationalities and ages. If you take in a guy who can’t rub two pennies together and who don’t have motivation or ambition to do anything; that is your fault. Don’t cry and complain because you’re pulling all of the weight. You cannot get water from a dry well. The fact that he’s cute and good in bed is neither here nor there. If you’re with someone yet you’re going around asking people for money because you’re short on your bills, that’s your fault and it’s a shame. You put yourself in that situation. Don’t be mad at anyone when they don’t want to help you support someone who isn’t doing anything for you and who is only taking from you. You can’t get anywhere if you continue to let someone hold you back and take everything you have and have worked to get. Get your act together and understand that if you don’t care what you let someone do to you, they won’t care what they do. A real man will love and care for his woman, not use her.

a. You’re moving in scums and bums! Some of you are moving in known sex offenders and abusers. Please stop this nonsense!

#2. My sister’s you do not have to show all that you have in order to be attractive or sexy. You don’t have to walk around in skin tight clothes or clothes that reveal everything you have IN ORDER to be considered attractive. You don’t have to have your boobs hanging out for everyone to see, we all know you have them. I don’t care how beautiful a woman is, if she has to do all of this, she clearly has issues. I don’t care how confident a woman CLAIMS to be, by doing this her actions shows something else. She’s trying to make a statement which goes beyond self confidence. In truth she has insecurities. Some of you may not agree and that’s fine. No woman has to reveal all she has to show how attractive she is and in fact a woman of true confidence will also have self respect. She knows she doesn’t have to dress in that way. Take it or leave, the choice is yours.

a. Men some of you dress no better. Your pants hanging down off of your butt isn’t attractive AT ALL! No one wants to see the crack of your butt. It’s nasty and disgusting.

#3 Men and women. If you’re in a relationship, whether married or not, you shouldn’t be trying to get into a relationship on the side. Men and women who are still going off of the deep end because of how someone looks (booty, boobs, body; period) are very shallow and immature. To mess up what you have over a piece of butt is plain stupid. If you’re not happy at home then leave, but STOP cheating. Grow up! Stop committing knowing full well you’re not ready to do so. Those of you who are married, if you’re not ready to be a faithful spouse stop saying I DO, when you know YOU DON’T! You know you wouldn’t want to be cheated on, so why do you cheat? It’s a sign that you have issues within yourself that you need to work out and until you do, STOP messing with the hearts of those you claim to love. It’s obvious you don’t love yourself. If you don’t know how to love yourself, you can’t be the person you should be to your significant other. A cheater will cheat no matter how good his or her significant other are.

#4 Men and women. You CAN’T change anyone no matter how much you love them, how much you try, or how much you pray or wish they would change. Stop getting into relationships; putting up with straight bull, because you think you have the power to change your significant other. YOU DON’T! Trust me your love isn’t enough. A person may choose to change, but it will be either because they will do it temporarily or they have realized it’s time they change. Either way it will be their decision NOT yours. When will you learn? Most of you end up heartbroken and in unhappy relationships.

#5 Men and women. Stop allowing yourselves to be mistreated and abused. Stop making excuses for the actions of those who supposedly love you. Stop making excuses for why you accept this type of treatment. It is not love and nothing and no one is worth it! A person who can’t be by his or herself is an unhappy person. Deal with yourself and the issues plaguing you which has caused you to constantly find yourselves in unhealthy relationships. People can see weaknesses in others and they will prey on you. An abuser  will do what they have to do to get you and once they do that’s it. They’re queens and kings of manipulation. They are clever! Many people find themselves in situations they didn’t plan on being in. People keep finding themselves in these types of situations when signs of who the other person was were shown long before their relationships got serious. Yet people choose to continue in these unhealthy relationships. The next thing they know they’re in situations they can no longer handle. Many lives have been lost due to bad decisions to remain in abusive relationships. Sadly people are still doing it. Why? It’s because of inner issues they need to deal with. People are so desperate for love they are willing to put up with any and everything to include all forms of abuse. LOVE IS NOT BLIND, PEOPLE ARE!

#6 . Let go of what is no longer happening to you. If someone has hurt you but you’re no longer going through that situation; let it go. People are continuing to be affected because consciously or subconsciously they’re holding on to whatever happened. Years continue to go by, but many of you are still in the same frame of mind. You’ve sabotaged your lives and relationships with others. Many of you are cursing God over your unwillingness to forgive, let go, and move on. You’re bitter, angry, and upset over something that is over. It is you who is hurting you by refusing to let go of what is done and over. I know there was pain, but what you’re feeling are residuals of the memories you refuse to let go of. I know I’ve been there! Things can change if you would be willing to forgive those who’ve hurt you and forgive yourself for holding on to unnecessary pain. It’s your choice to make. I pray you make it and stop ruining your lives, the lives of the children you’re bringing into this world, and the lives of others around you.

I can go on for days, but I won’t. God’s will; it’s about to be 2015. I challenge you to look at your lives. If you’re still going through the same stuff, dealing with the same situations, or in the same ole mess, IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE! First I recommend Jesus. If you can give scums and bums a chance; surely you can give the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords one. If you can look for love in all of the wrong places; surely you can try looking in the right place for once; which is to God and His Son Jesus! Trust, Him, try Him! He will teach you how to love yourself and then you will be in better frames of mind to love others. You’ll no longer allow and accept all of the nonsense you’ve willfully allowed into your lives. That’s my prayer for you, you, and you!